bring on 2010

Last year when I did my blog thing on Blogger I wrote a post called “We’re in a Resolution State of Mind”  Take a few moments to go read it and then com back to me.  https://ohiolezgirlinnyc.wordpress.com/2009/01/05/were-in-a-resolution-state-of-mind/

So here I am, just 3 days away from the New Year and I’m wondering if I’ve kept any of my resolutions from last year.  The very honest answer is no.  Starting with working out.  I actually watched month after month $99 exit my checking account and go to Crunch and I never went to the gym.  Maybe a dozen times and that’s really stretching it.  I cancelled my membership with them just to be wooed back at a lower fee without the committment-I can quit when I want to.  I had a startling realization when I was at the ER at home with my stomach bug.  I need to drop about 40 lbs.  It sounds really drastic and I’m fairly certain that if I did I would look like a bobble head doll.  I also tend to be under the impression that the scale is the devil and doesn’t ever give you an accurate assessment of your fitness or health.  All of that procrastination aside, I really should use the gym that I’m spending now just $69 a month to belong to.

…

Truth be told, I have to admit that I think I’ve lost a bit of who I am in my relationship.  It is, of course, bound to happen a little bit because a relationship is about compromise and that constant ebb and flow of taking and giving but I know that I always give a little too much.  I do it in every relationship- not just my romantic one with my girl friend but with friends, co-workers, my associates.  I’m always the confidant,  I’m always the girl on the other end of the phone listening and helping the friend figure out what to do in their life, with their love, with their job.  I take so much pride in being the best co-worker, the best boss, the best friend, the best girlfriend that I forget how to just be Erika.  And if I’m brutally honest with myself here, I’m not quite sure I know who Erika is.

One of the epiphanies I had last year around this time is that “I’m a lover of myself first and foremost and will not tolerate anything other than 100% dedication and devotion.  In return I give myself 100% and am completely dedicated and devoted.”  If I look at who I was in 2009 as a co-worker, boss, friend, girlfriend I forgot the first, and most important part of that equation.  Looking back at last year could I have been happier if I’d remembered my own words?  Should I get them tattooed to my left wrist so I don’t forget it this year?  (That’d be a badass tattoo)

I try not to look back and regret and rather look ahead, remember my mistakes or missteps and try not to repeat them.  This is the great thing about the beginning of a New Year.  You get to start anew, refresh, reboot, power up, move forward taking everything that you learned the previous year (the good and the bad) and make a new beginning.  Yes, I stole those last 4 words from Tracy Chapman.  Her song is in my head this morning and I slept horribly last night.  I was tormented and literally could not find a peaceful sleep because my brain was spinning with all of the missteps of the past year.  Don’t get me wrong, I had a pretty awesome year and I learned a whole lot of shit.  Still, losing myself is not something I ever intended.

I spent the majority of my life lost in other people’s expectations of who I am.  I’m insanely good at molding myself into the person that other people want me to be.  This is one of the main reasons it took me until two years ago to come out not only to myself but to the world as a lesbian.  It took all those years for me to shed the image of myself I wanted to project to protect the people that I love from my true self I thought they would despise.  The old saying that no body is perfect is true.  I’m not perfect and I can’t expect perfection from myself or from others because having that expectation will result in disappointment.  All I can do is to work on me.  Continue to figure out who I am and what makes me happy so that the lives of others around me are improved as well.

I love you?

I think I may be a little paranoid here but it’s okay.  So Mirs is in Portland for a long while.  It’s actually day 4 of  10 of Mirs gone.  I’m doing really well with the time apart.  The fact that I spent two of two of those four days in Toledo at a funeral made it a little bit easier to deal with.  We haven’t chatted all that much since she’s been gone because of the funeral and the time change but when we do chat it feels, well, distant.

Physically she’s on the opposite side of the country.  When she looks at the ocean it’s a different ocean than the one I see.  The sun comes up on my side of the country and sets on hers.  We’re very far away from one another.  I can’t help but think, though, that she’s also mentally far away from me.  I’m glad for our time apart.  I’m glad that she’s in the city that she loves surrounded by the people that she loves.  Especially after the fiasco in San Francisco it’s comforting to me knowing that she’s able to attune with nature and reconnect with friends without me. 

But because of the fiasco in ‘frisco and the aftermath in Brooklyn; me moving out, this new chapter of our relationship-everything that happens gets scrutinized.  It’s hard for me to take words, or lack there of, at face value.  I’m finding that I’m questioning nearly everything and that nothing is left to chance.

The thing that’s bothering me is the “I love you”  I haven’t heard it in two days.  It’s not that I’m counting or anything and I haven’t said it either, because I’m being stubborn, which is very mature I know.  Still, it’s bothering me.  I’m almost 30 years old-game playing is incredibly immature.  It’s not that I’m purposefully playing any games because I’m not.  I’m all of a sudden very protective of my heart at this point.  I’ve been wearing it on my sleeve and now it’s feeling bruised and tattered. 

The last few months have been undeniably hard.  We’ve gone through so much and learned so much about one another.  It’s very hard to move forward when you’re continuously looking back.  There is a saying, though, that if you don’t learn from your mistakes you’ll continue to make them (I’m paraphrasing here).  So that’s where I am.  I’m trying to move forward but also trying to make sure that I’m not doing the same thing.  Since the mistakes we (I) we made weren’t apparent to me it’s hard for me to figure out what, exactly, we’ve done wrong to get us to where we are now.  So it’s hard to know how to make those wrongs rights.

Just over a year.  That’s how long we’ve been together.  Our first year traveled at warp speed.  We moved so quickly and some could say carelessly or recklessly but that’s what happens when you’re in love.  Love sometimes makes you blind.  It prevents you from seeing straight.  It’s all emotion and you act on it, rather than thinking things through.  It’s dangerous, loving in this way, but you do it because it feels so good.  I don’t know what the future holds and I’m not sure how to keep my mind from thinking the thoughts that are playing out over and over again.  All I can do is trust myself.

It Comes Down to This

Internet Porn. I caved. It was my weekly night alone and Lola, my vibrator, just wasn’t doing it for me. I envisioned sweet fantasies in my head of my lady and I. On a beach. In the park. My bed. Her Bed. In costume; my naughty school girl to her prim headmistress. Nothing. So I turned on my computer and headed to my favorite dykes smut site, Sugarbutch Chronicles, http://www.sugarbutch.net/ and started looking around.

I love me some Sugarbutch at night, it always seems to help me get there when my lonely orgasms are just out of reach. Last night, though, was a no go. No offense to the site, I love it, and will keep on reading it. I had a lot on my mind. Work has been stressful as all get out, I was spending a night alone, and to top it all of, my queer ex-best friend, Mark, tells me that he’s engaged to his Mormon girlfriend. You see? Stuffs on the mind that was distracting me from the stuffs in my hand. So after cruisin’ around Sugarbutch to no avail, I noticed an advertisement for another site-a website devoted to lesbian-made porn. And the best news, 20 Minutes Free! http://lesbian.hotmoviesforher.com/index.php?CLICK=224380&ct=9786 Now, ONLY GO THERE IF YOU ARE AN ADULT! I’m Serious. 18 YEARS OLD AND OVER ONLY! I don’t want some teeny-bopper lesbo from Ohio racing on over and getting caught with her hand in her pants. It’s real porn. Not some manmade breast enhanced, long acrylic nailed, big haired porn. It’s real dyke porn…Therefore, 20 minutes wasn’t enough.

I caved! I actually purchased porn-ON THE INTERNET. Now, some of you may be saying to yourself, “Calm down, Erika. I buy porn online all the time!” I know a lot of people who do. I’m not one of those people. I’m not a prude, don’t get me wrong. I love to watch. I love sex. More than that, I love lesbian sex. It’s just that I’ve never purchased lesbian sex, online, with my credit card, at 2AM. Last night, I did. I didn’t go crazy. I opted for their “best value” of $19.95 for 200 minutes of all the dyke porn I can watch. Only after a nice note popped up warning me that my free 20 minutes was almost up, ahem.

So, there you have it. Me, Erika Davis. Black, Lesbian, Writer, Manager, and Porn Watcher. Well at least for another 156 minutes I am.