Right now I’m at the Doctor’s Office. I’ve been here for only about ten minutes. I decided that I couldn’t deal with this headache for another night. It’s gotten sort of interesting and everyone has a diagnosis. Web MD tells me that I could have a thyroid problem, so do my Mom and Mirs. Web MD also tells me that I could have various forms of cancer. One of my favorite associates, a Chakra and Reiki Healer thinks that the stomach pain could be many forms of constipation-both physically and mentally. She says it could be a manifestation of my frustrations because of Mirs and I’s inability to give birth. It’s not that we can’t physically give birth, we’re just not in the place to do so right now. I love this girl, she’s truly amazing and I think that her Reiki touch will be beneficial when we are ready to start a family. I think some work on my uterus in about 3 years could be useful. Today’s not that day.
The headache has kept me awake for two nights now. Or it could be the fact that I couldn’t sleep with Mirs for the second night in a row that kept me awake. I’m sure its a combination of the two. (I’ll probably be told that I’m stressed.) Mirs and I spent the second night alone because she’s still getting into the grove of things with the semester starting again. There have been a lot of things going on there, actually, that I haven’t talked about because I’m trying to be the good, stable, and supportive girlfriend that I always am.
She’s been feeling stressed about her lack of drive over the last few months; she didn’t apply to as many PhD programs as she’d planned, she is feeling uneasy about her application, she works at Riker’s Island with disgusting men in the “Hole” she’s got a lot on her plate. This, I know. So with school starting again and me knowing the amazing preparation that is my lady in school mode, I know she wants to get the first several assigned readings taken care of on her syllabus. I know she needs to be in the library for extended periods of time. She’s got to be in the lab, she has so much to get done. The last month or so has been a dream. Her winter break was a little over a month long and while she was working at Riker’s Island (while the other interns stayed home) she and I practically spent every hour that I was away from work side by side. She should have been studying, in retrospect.
So, because we’ve been doing all of this time spending and she hasn’t been doing a lot of work, the stress levels of my sweet, sweet, girl have heightened a bit. I’m there for her. I want her to succeed, I know she’s a perfectionist. She needs some time and I’ve been giving it to her. This meant that for the past few nights and some days I’ve been accompanying her to school while she prints out article after article in the lab. I watch her squint at the computer screen in her cute glasses that Tallulah, my old Yorkie, chewed up and click article after article as she sends it to the printer. I got a lot of work done too, actually. We’re deep in review season and I have over 15 managers to review and 5 associates, not to mention finishing my own self-assessment. We’ve been doing really well working together. We decided, though, that until she got back into the swing of things that we should probably limit our nights together from every single night to when it’s the most convenient for both of us. This was not yesterday or the night before.
I’m a good girlfriend. I’m understanding. I’m supportive.
In all this we’ve also been working on reconnecting with our friends. The first 8 months of our relationship we’ve relinquished all ties to anyone and everyone who were every a part of our lives before we entered each other’s lives. This means a lot of friends. A lot of friends. We started to feel bad. Especially when the phone would ring and we’d glance at the caller ID and decide it best to ignore the ringing and go back to love making. After 8 months friends are no longer amused and a bit more demanding.
My good friends are all either not in New York, newly married, or newly engaged. They’re where I was at the beginning of the summer. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve made dates with Mark just to have him (or me) send a lame text to cancel the date for something (our girlfriends/his wife)came up. My other better friends are my roommates and my besties, well they live in that black hole called Toledo, Ohio.
Mirs, on the other hand, has a lot of Portland transports living here in the Big Apple. She’s been reconnecting with her friends on days I’m working or nights we’ve decided it best that we stay in our own boroughs. So, we talked last night, right before bed, and made plans to spend today together-after the hour long wait in the doctor and my diagnosis of my ailment. I called her on lunch and she told me that we maybe could have tentative plans with one of her school friends who she was supposed to hang out with the night before who wanted to reschedule for today and was that okay.
I’m a good girlfriend. I’m understanding. I’m supportive
Needless to say, the lack of sleep and the lack of understanding and irrationality that I, Erika K. Davis, I was not a happy camper. I told her to have a good time and hung up the phone. Drama of the Dyke variety. Of course, I instantly felt horrible about it and immediately sent her some text messages that said things like, “I don’t understand” ” I feel hurt” you know, I-statements. We talked again because her Motorola is no match for my Blackberry. I again blew up and made irrational statements about her being cruel and rude, and not understanding my need to be with her. She, the always wonderful, impossibly sweet, incredibly kind and compassionate woman of my dreams complied with all of my snarky, biting remarks and apologized. She apologized. I was the bitch, here.
Talking to Mom while walking to the Doctor (still waiting-Fucking people who got here AFTER me are going in. What the fuck is up with that shit!?) Mom said, “I woulda hung up on your dumb ass!” Mirs and Mom are different kinds of Virgos. Mom is the Jersey girl who ended up in Ohio, land of nice. Mirs is from the land of nice, Texas-girl who lives in New York.
So then I sent this text
E-I’m sorry I’m being awful. I don’t know what’s wrong with me or why I’m picking fights with you.
-You are the most important person in my life and I love you with all my heart
M-Youre not please don’t worry i love you
E-I’m sorry. I feel horrible. I’m just projecting my insecurities onto you and that’s completely unfair.
M-Baby i love you please don’t worry i’m looking forward to seeing you
(TWO MORE FUCKING PEOPLE WERE CALLED! AND ONE MOTHER FUCKER IS LEAVING!!! AFTER GETTING HERE AFTER ME!!)
Do I or do I not have the best girlfriend on the planet. It’s true, though. I’m totally projecting and I’m so selfish. I just want to spend every night with her and have to keep remembering that she’s in school. She’s getting her PhD. She’s got stuff to do. Shit, I’ve got stuff to do. I’ve got a manuscript to finish, I’ve got blogs to write, I have finances to get in order, not to mention going to the gym, volunteering, and yoga. There is so much stuff that I could and should be doing in the time that we get apart from one another.
Instead, I make her feel badly about having study groups and beers afterwards with classmates who invite me along because they’d like to see me again. I’m pretty passive aggressive, a lot of the times. It rears its ugly head frequently and without mercy-to everyone except for her. I feel like poop. Well, I felt like poop. Now, I just am excited to see her and am thankful that I have a girlfriend who’s understanding and supportive.
So, here I am. On E 65th Street Between 2nd and 3rd listening to George Michael and people’s names being called that aren’t mine. The headache is almost blinding. Thankfully there are no smells or sounds or bright lights to aggravate it more.
If another fucking person gets to go in before me, though, I may have to get Bette on a sista…
Now I’m at Mirs (thank god) drinking some Organic Beer, fresh out of a steam in Mirs’ bathroom. The one good thing about having an impossibly small bathroom like Mirs’ is that it makes taking a doctor’s ordered steam a lot easier. The official, or rather un-official diagnosis of the headache isn’t cancer or the thyroid-although I forgot to mention the family history with the thyroid problem. It’s actually, most likely, a sinus head ache. An OTC should clear it up in about a week and if it doesn’t a CATscan is always an option.
As far as the abdominal pain goes. That, will be a bit more complex. I get to go and have a vaginal ultrasound done to check out my ovaries and uterus. YAY! I’m really excited to know that there may or may not be something wrong with my reproductive organs that may or may not inhibit or make it extremely difficult for my girlfriend and I to have a baby. Where the eff is that associate and her Reiki now!?