We’re in a Resolution State of Mind

I love this time of year.  The first two to three weeks of January are so full of anticipation and promise.  I absolutely hate going to the gym because it’s always packed.  Everyone resolves to lose weight, to work out more, to hit the gym.  They do, they hit it hard, and then I have to wait twenty minutes to get on an elliptical machine.  It always tapers off, though.  People slowly but surely go back to their sloth-like ways and I can walk into the gym and onto a machine with ease.

Everything feels new now, right?  It’s the same with Mirs and I.  Our hell week, as it were, is officially over.  Things between her and the Ex are as good as they can be.  Mirs best friend (an ex a well) and a girl who I know I’ll either love or hate, gave her the best advice about the Ex, also a mutual friend. (goddamn the lesbian link)  She told Mirs that the girl had it coming, that she needed to get over it, and my favorite,  “what the fuck did she expect?”  I love this friend.  I’m excited to meet her in San Francisco in March.  
I learned a lot about Mirs and I last week.  She’s the sweetest girl on the planet-too sweet, even.  She’s a pleaser and a peace maker.  She doesn’t like to make people angry, hurt, upset, or frustrated.  I’m not the sweetest girl on the planet-not even close.  I’m down right bitchy, blunt, and aggressive.  I’m stubborn as all hell and tend to get very emotional and act out the emotions in my head.  
You’d think that we wouldn’t work.  In fact, some horrible lesbian astrological book I read the first week I met Mirs face to face says that we’re completely incompatible.  Something about my aloofness, messiness, and ease against her need for perfection in all things in her life… it basically said that Libras and Virgos do not mix.  We’re definitely different; in a lot of ways.  She’s totally clean, neat, organized, and sort of a perfectionist.  I like things a little dirty, grubbier, a bit more complicated, and messier-life and my room.   I think it’s these differences, as well as our ability to work through things, that make us a pretty near perfect fit.
Our compatibility, thus far, has out weighted our differences.  If anything, we’ve worked off of each other.  For instance, I’ve started to make an effort to pick up after myself.  My mother, another Virgo, has been trying to get me to do this my entire life.  It takes finding the love of your life to get you to put your discarded towel back on the rack rather than the floor.  She has  started speaking her mind a bit more, she’s gotten a bit more aggressive, when need be, and generally more assertive.  She’s a Texan girl by way of Oregon, she needed a little roughin’ up.
Last week and all of the Ex Drama that it brought got us talking about a lot of difficult things.  It made me think hard about her and I; what I will and will not tolerate, and what I would and wouldn’t do for her.  I found out that I’d do anything for her, as long as it’s in my best interest.  If that sounds harsh, read it again-or go back to the original blog.  What I mean is that, she is my world.  She’s my life, my best friend, and my love.  I want nothing more than to be with her.  That said, I’m a lover of myself first and foremost and will not tolerate anything other than 100% dedication and devotion.  In return I give myself 100% and am completely dedicated and devoted.
Like many girls, I’ve had my heart ripped out of my body,  stomped on, dragged through the mud, thrown into a blender, and then tried to sew the whole thing back up into one piece and surgically place it back into my chest.  Through it all, I made a resolution to myself that I would love myself, respect myself, and do myself before anyone else.  It makes so much sense, I don’t know why more people don’t take the time.  You can’t jump from relationship to relationship molding yourself into the person that you’re with; “Jo’s girlfriend”  you have to be “You, Jo’s girlfriend.”  
I learned that you can’t really love someone if you don’t love yourself first, more even.  The Ex doesn’t love herself.  If she did she’d be able to be able to remove herself from Mirs and I and live her own life.  It’s hard though, I told Mirs that.  I was that girl years ago.  It took for the other person to tell me directly to stop calling, e-mailing, text, AIMing, etc., that they were over me.  It took time, a lot of time, but I got over it and started loving myself.
I started loving myself, figured out exactly who I was (a lesbian) and then went hunting for a little lady to love me as much as I love me.  I found her, via internet on some quirky website.  We exchanged cute e-mails, then text messages, and then phone calls.  One day one of us, I think it was me, suggested that we meet and we did.  At some little wine bar called Wined Up near NYU, I met the girl.  She was sitting at the table with her back to me writing in impossibly small hand writing on note cards that she’d cut in half.  She was wearing glasses and her too-short hair was squeezed into a little tiny nub of a pony tail.  She looked up at me, when I put my hand on her shoulder, and smiled broadly.  She stood up and I enveloped her in a hug.  We’ve been inseparable ever since.  

One thought on “We’re in a Resolution State of Mind

  1. Pingback: bring on 2010 « OH-IO*lez-girl*inNYC's Blog

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