I love you?

I think I may be a little paranoid here but it’s okay.  So Mirs is in Portland for a long while.  It’s actually day 4 of  10 of Mirs gone.  I’m doing really well with the time apart.  The fact that I spent two of two of those four days in Toledo at a funeral made it a little bit easier to deal with.  We haven’t chatted all that much since she’s been gone because of the funeral and the time change but when we do chat it feels, well, distant.

Physically she’s on the opposite side of the country.  When she looks at the ocean it’s a different ocean than the one I see.  The sun comes up on my side of the country and sets on hers.  We’re very far away from one another.  I can’t help but think, though, that she’s also mentally far away from me.  I’m glad for our time apart.  I’m glad that she’s in the city that she loves surrounded by the people that she loves.  Especially after the fiasco in San Francisco it’s comforting to me knowing that she’s able to attune with nature and reconnect with friends without me. 

But because of the fiasco in ‘frisco and the aftermath in Brooklyn; me moving out, this new chapter of our relationship-everything that happens gets scrutinized.  It’s hard for me to take words, or lack there of, at face value.  I’m finding that I’m questioning nearly everything and that nothing is left to chance.

The thing that’s bothering me is the “I love you”  I haven’t heard it in two days.  It’s not that I’m counting or anything and I haven’t said it either, because I’m being stubborn, which is very mature I know.  Still, it’s bothering me.  I’m almost 30 years old-game playing is incredibly immature.  It’s not that I’m purposefully playing any games because I’m not.  I’m all of a sudden very protective of my heart at this point.  I’ve been wearing it on my sleeve and now it’s feeling bruised and tattered. 

The last few months have been undeniably hard.  We’ve gone through so much and learned so much about one another.  It’s very hard to move forward when you’re continuously looking back.  There is a saying, though, that if you don’t learn from your mistakes you’ll continue to make them (I’m paraphrasing here).  So that’s where I am.  I’m trying to move forward but also trying to make sure that I’m not doing the same thing.  Since the mistakes we (I) we made weren’t apparent to me it’s hard for me to figure out what, exactly, we’ve done wrong to get us to where we are now.  So it’s hard to know how to make those wrongs rights.

Just over a year.  That’s how long we’ve been together.  Our first year traveled at warp speed.  We moved so quickly and some could say carelessly or recklessly but that’s what happens when you’re in love.  Love sometimes makes you blind.  It prevents you from seeing straight.  It’s all emotion and you act on it, rather than thinking things through.  It’s dangerous, loving in this way, but you do it because it feels so good.  I don’t know what the future holds and I’m not sure how to keep my mind from thinking the thoughts that are playing out over and over again.  All I can do is trust myself.

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