Last year when I did my blog thing on Blogger I wrote a post called “We’re in a Resolution State of Mind” Take a few moments to go read it and then com back to me. https://ohiolezgirlinnyc.wordpress.com/2009/01/05/were-in-a-resolution-state-of-mind/
So here I am, just 3 days away from the New Year and I’m wondering if I’ve kept any of my resolutions from last year. The very honest answer is no. Starting with working out. I actually watched month after month $99 exit my checking account and go to Crunch and I never went to the gym. Maybe a dozen times and that’s really stretching it. I cancelled my membership with them just to be wooed back at a lower fee without the committment-I can quit when I want to. I had a startling realization when I was at the ER at home with my stomach bug. I need to drop about 40 lbs. It sounds really drastic and I’m fairly certain that if I did I would look like a bobble head doll. I also tend to be under the impression that the scale is the devil and doesn’t ever give you an accurate assessment of your fitness or health. All of that procrastination aside, I really should use the gym that I’m spending now just $69 a month to belong to.
Truth be told, I have to admit that I think I’ve lost a bit of who I am in my relationship. It is, of course, bound to happen a little bit because a relationship is about compromise and that constant ebb and flow of taking and giving but I know that I always give a little too much. I do it in every relationship- not just my romantic one with my girl friend but with friends, co-workers, my associates. I’m always the confidant, I’m always the girl on the other end of the phone listening and helping the friend figure out what to do in their life, with their love, with their job. I take so much pride in being the best co-worker, the best boss, the best friend, the best girlfriend that I forget how to just be Erika. And if I’m brutally honest with myself here, I’m not quite sure I know who Erika is.
One of the epiphanies I had last year around this time is that “I’m a lover of myself first and foremost and will not tolerate anything other than 100% dedication and devotion. In return I give myself 100% and am completely dedicated and devoted.” If I look at who I was in 2009 as a co-worker, boss, friend, girlfriend I forgot the first, and most important part of that equation. Looking back at last year could I have been happier if I’d remembered my own words? Should I get them tattooed to my left wrist so I don’t forget it this year? (That’d be a badass tattoo)
I try not to look back and regret and rather look ahead, remember my mistakes or missteps and try not to repeat them. This is the great thing about the beginning of a New Year. You get to start anew, refresh, reboot, power up, move forward taking everything that you learned the previous year (the good and the bad) and make a new beginning. Yes, I stole those last 4 words from Tracy Chapman. Her song is in my head this morning and I slept horribly last night. I was tormented and literally could not find a peaceful sleep because my brain was spinning with all of the missteps of the past year. Don’t get me wrong, I had a pretty awesome year and I learned a whole lot of shit. Still, losing myself is not something I ever intended.
I spent the majority of my life lost in other people’s expectations of who I am. I’m insanely good at molding myself into the person that other people want me to be. This is one of the main reasons it took me until two years ago to come out not only to myself but to the world as a lesbian. It took all those years for me to shed the image of myself I wanted to project to protect the people that I love from my true self I thought they would despise. The old saying that no body is perfect is true. I’m not perfect and I can’t expect perfection from myself or from others because having that expectation will result in disappointment. All I can do is to work on me. Continue to figure out who I am and what makes me happy so that the lives of others around me are improved as well.