As my dedicated readers are aware my sister is a drug addict currently in an in-house rehabilitation center back in Ohio. She’s has two boys that are the light of my life; Jullian is going to be 4 in August and Justice will be 1 in August. My parents have had custody of Jullian since he was born and currently have custody of Justice. My relationship with my sister has been strained, to put it lightly. Through the years and more recently we’ve opened the lines of communication and our relationship is growing. It’s definitely going to take time and through our adult years most of our relationship’s stresses stem from not only her addiction but the pressures that her addiction have put on my parents.
Today is Mother’s Day and my sister is spending the day with our father in Ohio. My mother and her grandchildren are in DC to visit with her sister and my cousin, the Doctor. My cousin and aunt are at a Mother’s Day brunch event and I’m spending some time with my own mother who’s preoccupations are, of course, on the boys. I struggle with resentment. Resentment for a lot of things. A selfish, almost childish resentment of the boys because they occupy so much of my valuable time with my mother. Resentment of my sister who on this day of rest for mothers isn’t giving my mother any rest because she doesn’t have the ability to care for her children solely because of the decisions she’s made in her life. I struggle with my own ability to care not only for my mother but for my sister. The big sister guilt is nagging, at times, and I wonder if I’d been a better big sister things may not have ended up the way they are now. I was talking with Jullian yesterday about the responsibility that comes with being an older sibling. He’s only 3 years old and I’m confident that he doesn’t always understand the things that I say to him but on the other hand when I talk to him and he looks at me with his giant brown eyes I feel that he does, on some level, understand me.