the top and/or bottom phenomenon

I wrote a post about being either a “top” or a “bottom” a while ago.  I’m pretty sure that it’s password blocked.  But feel free to follow the instructions on How to Get Passwords for Blocked Posts and you’ll get to read all about it.  I don’t really identify as either.  I have my preferences at times but it’s all good sexy fun for me-when you get down to it.

The subject has come up twice now with one of my really good friends.

Scenario 1-

We were at RF Lounge the Thursday before my birthday party.  I needed a venue that was lesbian, smaller, quiet, but with a good atmosphere where my friends and I could party the night away in celebration of my thirtieth year of life.  When we went the Thursday before my birthday we were feeling a little bad for the RF Lounge.  It was the first few weeks of it’s opening and there were only about 7 patrons in the place, one of which racked up a substantial bill and was having trouble figuring out why her credit card wasn’t going through.

We ponied up to the bar, ordered a few drinks, and made friends with the bar tender.  Her name was Stacy( or Stephanie or some other S name I can’t remember)  She had short blonde hair and was wearing a tank top and short shorts with white tube socks and sneakers.  She was friendly and easy to chat with.  After our drinks we agreed that the RF Lounge would be the venue for my birthday the following week and we got ready to bid our farewells to Stacy/Stephanie/S-Name.  She came around the bar and gave me a bro hug-you know; Right hand to right hand left hand slaps back.  She then turns to my friend who goes in for the bro hug, yanks her into a girl hug, bodies pressed close together and finishes it with a pull to the back of my friend’s hair.

As we walked down the street to hail our separate cabs I joked to my friend that she may have found a new girl. 

To which she responded, “Her?  No, I feel like she’d wanna strap in on and put it in me!”  or something to that effect.

“You never know, you could get into it,”  I pressed. 

“No, not at all,”  she said.

I dropped it, gave her a girl hug (without pulling her hair) and sent her on her way.

This friend definitely “looks like a lesbian.”  She’s got that cool white-girl lesbian look-the awesome hair cut, the bad-ass tattoos, the sweet sneakers, the great fitting jeans.  Always a graphic T-shirt or V-Neck T-Shirt.  Usually a scarf and a hat of some sort and the Dyke Swagger.  It’s hot.  I have straight girl friends and a gay boy friend who have hard-core crushes on her.  And while I like to think I ooze hot black girl lesbian with a femme persuasion I’m forever getting hit on by men and barely get hit on by gay women.   It’s very clear to me that my friend is definitely a Top.  She has Top Swagger-God I wish I had that shit I wish I had Dyke Swagger. 

Scenario 2

Same friend was recently injured on her bike.  She’s doing amazingly well and she’ s since met a beautiful woman (at my birthday party) and they’re cute and in love.  We were chatting on the phone about her injured arm and she expressed frustration in that she’s having a hard time holding up her body weight.  It seems that it’s not the bruised leg, the cracked helmet, or even the scratches to her wicked expensive bike that are the pressing problems with the residual injury-it’s the not being able to top her girlfriend.

I chuckled but knew she was completely serious when she told me that she’s be informing her PT that the not making love to her girl friend part was the most important issue they needed to tackle.  I again offered a solution, why not enjoy bottoming for a bit?  Her response, again paraphrased, reiterated her top identity. 

Hmmm.  So back to me where do I fit into the Top and/or Bottom Phenomenon?  That’s just it.  It’s an and/or thing for me and I’m pretty comfortable with it.  My lack of identifying in terms of Femme, Butch, Boi, Andro, Stud, Top, Bottom, etc. is perfectly evident in my need or lack there of.  I like it both ways.

I can only speak for myself.  It’s not a big thing for me.  Yet, when I talk to friends or research online it’s clear that there are definitely folks for whom topping or bottoming is pretty cut and dry.  I was just browsing topics on’s Lesbian Life page and some questions posed were “Is it okay to perform oral sex on my stud partner?” or “How Do I please my Butch Lover?” 

Maybe it’s because I spent so many years in the closet having boring straight sex but I can’t imagine solely being in a “top” and “bottom” butch/femme relationship where roles of masculinity and femininity are played out in the bedroom.  On the other hand, getting topped from out of the blue and then getting really aggressive and toppy is really hot.  C’est la vie!  To each her own.  But I like my cake and I’ll eat it to!

So, How do You Identify?


6 thoughts on “the top and/or bottom phenomenon

  1. mostly top … not always though. mind you, my gf says even when she’s on top i am the top. heh, i DO lie back and take it v well i think.

    • ha! that’s great! i like the dynamic of change. since my gf and i don’t really identify either way it works-although she’s been calling me really toppy lately and i have to say that i don’t mind the compliment! 🙂

  2. I tend to leave the penetration by the way-side so these categories don’t really fit. If I were ever into penetration, it would probably depend on the partner but I would probably want equal bits of both. My partner’s preferences would play hugely into it though too.

    • The penetration discussion is something I’m very into. Again, I personally, think it has to do with when I came out and all of my mastubatory experiences before my first sexual experiences but it’s never been off-limits for me. That said, the first girl I slept with was very clear about her no penetration boundaries which I was baffled by. A lot of the discussions I’ve read online regarding top and bottom online are related to penetration for some women. Which makes total sense to me.

      I also think that it does, very much, depend on your partner. It sounds sort of prejudice but I don’t know if I could be with someone who was strictly “Top” or “Bottom” because I personally like the variety of the switch.

      • I don’t think that’s prejudiced one smidge. I mean, if sex is an important factor in relationships (as it is for most folks, although I really can’t say all) then it’s important that the people match up to at least some extent.

        I mean, I couldn’t be with someone who wanted penetration. That’s not me being prejudiced, it’s me understanding what I want in a relationship and that if penetration is important to someone that we just won’t fit on that level.

        I mean, we might have a great relationship, as long as we understand that we just don’t match sexually. For most people though, that’s kinda a deal breaker.

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