just when you thought you knew me

Just when you thought you knew everything about OhiolezgirlinNYC aka Erika.  I’m gonna throw you another little tid bit of TMI.  Yup, that’s right.  Just home from work at 342AM.  Not entirely work’s fault.  I left work at a reasonable hour but stopped for beers with some colleagues. 

There’s no point in pussy-footing around the issue, let’s get to the meat.  The piece of TMI you didn’t need to know but I’m going to tell you anyway-in the premise of never holding back on this, my sacred internet space, to say and do whatever the fuck it is I want to fucking do so help me god.

I pee my pants.  Yup, I pee my pants and I peed my pants while waiting impossibly long for an A train at Jay Street Borough Hall in Brooklyn.  A little back story:  Back in 4th grade at St. Angela Hall I peed my pants for the first time in public to sheer horror and utter dismay.  I’d asked the teacher at least a half dozen times and when I finally lost control of my bladder in library in front of my entire class she smirked and made some fucked up remark like, “Well if you needed to go that badly you could’ve told me”  Yeah, I told you, bitch, fuck off. 

From that day on every teacher from grade five to my senior year of high school knew that if Erika Davis needed to go pee, no matter how many times she’d peed earlier that day that you must, in every circumstance, let her go pee.  I actually had a principal follow me into the loo and listen for me to pee because she thought I was making the whole thing up.  And before you go asking, no I don’t have diabetes, and no I can’t fucking hold it.  Never could, never will.  When I have to fucking pee, I have to fucking pee now get the fuck out of my way before I pee on you.

Flash Forward to freshman year of college at any house party on any college campus.  I was the girl cutting the line to get to the loo.  I’d promise who ever was at the front of the line that it’d only take me a minute or less (because my bladder is unusually small) and I’d be in and out in a flash-as promised.  If for some reason you didn’t let me cut you in line I would exit said home and pee on the side of the house and be back in the living room dancing and filling up my red Solo Cup while you idiots in line waited.

Flash Forward to Erika in NYC.  I pee and have peed every where.  I’m actually surprised that my first ticket in my adult life was for talking on the phone while driving (you can’t do that in NYC)  and not for public urination.   I’ve peed in almost every borough, in almost every neighborhood, on several expensive and foreign cars.  I’ve peed near cops, next to friends, shit I’ve peed on the A train going to Utica. 

And to peeing my pants.  Several times when I’ve waited endlessly for a train (like tonight) and the train just didn’t come fast enough.  I’m catapulted back to fourth grade where I don’t realize it’s happening, really but look down to see that I am, in fact, peeing in public without having any control over it.

Tonight it happened while waiting for the A train.  I’d waited with a friend in Manhattan for 20 minutes before our train came.  I told them at the bar that I’ d have to pee at least two more times before we left to be on the safe side.  I only got to pee once.

I told my friend about the time 4 years ago when I left a bachelorette party at 4AM and waited 45 minutes for an A train at West Fourth Street to get to Utica in Brooklyn.  I peed in an empty train car by lifting my skirt and pulling down my knickers and no one ever knew.  Except I told folks because I tell people when I pee my pants.

I peed my pants walking home to that apartment off of the Utica stop that was 10 blocks away from the train.  All of a sudden homeboys on the street hollarin’ at a girl stop hollarin’ when pee is shooting from the crotch. 

Tonight was the same.  MTA workers in Orange neon vests willing to talk trash, tell me I’m pretty, they like my hair, where am I going so late at night.  When I ask you, where’s the loo and you say there is none and I ask where you go and you chuckle and think it’s cute.  Until I’m peeing my pants in front of you.

I’ve said too much, haven’t I?  Let me just twist the knife in your side for good measure.  Here’s a tip from a 30-year-old who’s been peeing her pants because her bladder’s too small for over 2 decades.  Do Not pee your pants when you’re wearing Hunter Wellies.  When they tell you they’re water proof, they’re not lying.  They’re water proof inside and out.

Good Night.

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4 thoughts on “just when you thought you knew me

  1. I just randomly stumble onto this blog. And quite frankly I shouldn’t even be awake, but have been unable to sleep for god knows how long…

    And so, here we are. And, I.cannot.stop.laughing.

    Jesus, this is funny. And it is even more so because my girlfriend has a similar bladder. In fact I found out on our first date, after she asked to walk me home (after I refused repeatedly and yet let yer do so eventually). Next thing I know she’s uncontrollably shaking and telling me she has to me.

    Since then, I have served as her human barrier in every county of this goddamn state. I shit you not. And so, I feel you.

    lol and good night.

    • Chrissy-
      It takes a real woman to not judge your woman when she pees all over so kudos to you! It’s definitely helpful to have a human barrier whenever you need one. I met one of my gf’s best friends for the first time last year and she saw me drop trou about an hour and a half into our first hellos.

      I’m glad that I made you laugh and hope that our insomnia gets better.

  2. Hi there,

    I’m Liesje from Belgium. I stumbled on this post by accident, and it reminds me so much of myself. Whenever I feel the need to pee, I have to look for a toilet immediately. If I don’t after a couple of minutes I’ll start to dribble, later spurt, and finally uncontrollably pee my pants. I’ve peed my pants in class, at parties in line waiting for the bathroom, at the front door trying to get my keys in the door, on the way to the bathroom after opening the door, in front of the bowl trying to get my zipper undone… you name it, I’ve done it.
    I love the way you’re up front about it. Cheers to you sister!

    Liesje

    • Oh the peeing while trying to unzip the pants is the worse! Especially if you forget you have a button fly-tragic!

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