Relationships take work

It’s been a while since Mirs and I had a serious relationship talk.  I like to call them Relationship Check Ups.   Not since San Francisco, really.  As we all know, that was a very big talk.  A deal breaker one would say.  Thankfully, that talk went well and the talks after that and the talks after that.  We went our separate ways, found our own apartments, and have been living seemingly happy lives every after ever since.

Not so, really.  It’s definitely refreshing to come home to my own space where I feel like I belonging.  The addition of a feline I named Oscar is another calming factor to living alone but something’s been a little off lately.  Plainly put, the sex in our relationship has dwindled. 

On Sunday we went to our engaged friends new apartment to watch some NBA Basketball.  One of the girls is from Oregon too and has a thing for the Portland Trailblazers, just like my lady.  Her fiance isn’t a crazy sports fanatic but after a few Gin and Tonics (made by me) and some girl talk in their bedroom we all settled down to watch some sports.  Well, that was the intention.  Truth be told, I can’t girl-talk for very long before I start getting antsy.  I mean, I work in fashion so I can talk about clothing and accessories for ever but I really wanted to snuggle on the couch with my lady and watch come basketball.  A few other ladies came over and we ordered some Mexican food from down the street and tried to settle into the sports. 

Once the game ended and we waited for a football game to start some how, the exact reasoning why is still unclear, but we had two books in our laps.  “The Guide to Getting it On”, featuring a cartoon straight couple on the cover entangled in a kiss and “Hand in the Bush-The Fine Art of Vaginal Fisting “.  This cover was a photo of a woman’s torso and a gloved hand in her, well bush.  Both books have horrible illustrations of men and women in various degrees of sketched ecstasy that elicited giggles, laughs, and shrieks of horror from us.  We were no better than teenagers finding their father’s Playboy magazine, pointing and giggling at the pictures.  Seriously, though, in the “Guide to Getting it On” there is a cat in almost every single picture watching its owners get it on!  It’s bizarre.

After flipping through the books and getting ideas.  Ah!  I remember why we were looking at them.  We were discussing Tribadism and Frotteurism and the differences between the two.  Anyway, so that’s how the books came out.  At any length, one of the girls made a remark that she knew a lesbian couple who hadn’t had sex in over 4 years.  I raised my eyebrow (or at least pretended because I can’t actually raise an eyebrow) and glanced at my girl friend.  We hadn’t reached the four year mark-we’ve only been together for a year and a half but it’s been a long enough amount of time for me to be concerned.

We’re both busy, we have over-booked schedules.  We’re never in the same place at the same time.  Blah. Blah. Blah.  For me, sex is a barometer of a relationship.  If the sex starts to dwindle the relationship will follow suit shortly thereafter.  So I brought it up, in classic Erika passive-aggression-on the platform while waiting for the Q Train to leave Ditmas Park.  We talked briefly on the platform and then in bed until the wee hours of the morning.  Before nodding of to sleep we realized a few things.  1.  We’d become complacent in our relationship and 2.  We need to schedule dates together, as awful and unromantic as it sounds.

Then I started to think, after talking to my Former Friend Crush but still Best (Lesbian) Friend, it is only natural in a relationship to sort of go with the flow.  You’re used to one another, you god forbid, take for granted time spent together and instead of using that time to do things as a couple together like movies, or dinner dates, or trips to Babeland you do dishes, laundry, or run to Home Depot for power tools.  That last one would be hot-with a tool belt. 

I can safely answer that yes, we do take one another for granted and that we have become complacent in our relationship.  It’s become routine and dare I say it-mundane?  But that’s not who we are.  That’s not who I am.  I joked that this came on the heels of our mutual 30th birthdays but god help me if my 30s see a spiraling decline in hot multi-orgasmic sex!

So we’ve decided to start taking each other on dates.  She’s doing our first “official date”  I’m not sure where she’s taking me or what we’re going to do but I imagine that it ends beautifully.  I think it is romantic, actually.  I’m not saying it’s going to “spice” up our relationship because overall it’s not bland.  I do think, however, that making time to spend time with one another doing something exciting, fascinating, new, and exciting can’t be bad.  I don’t know how a couple, gay or straight, goes four years without sex.  It’s beyond me.  It makes me think that maybe their relationship can’t be helped.  Maybe they are complacent and comfortable and have just come to expect that there is nothing more to their relationship.  It sounds terribly dull to me, and completely unsexy.

So I’m dating.  This really smart, really kind, incredibly sexy girl.  I’ll keep you posted on how it goes.

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2 thoughts on “Relationships take work

  1. I’m glad you found a space to make your own but you are still trying to make your relationship work kudos.

    P.s I had a cat named Oscar for fourteen years congrats on your new house mate.

    • Well, relationships are definitely hard and require a lot of work. I’ve found that it’s best for us to continue to make sure we’re focusing on each other first and foremost. It sound selfish but in reality it helps us to be more honest with one another. If we’re not happy in ourselves then we can’t make each other happy.

      There, my Dr. Phil moment of the day 🙂

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