As I write I’m listening to all of the Michael Jackson albums I own. Billie Jean is playing now and I’m instantly flashed back to my childhood. I’m in my bedroom listening to this song on my Michael Jackson record player. The record player is this pale yellow and white and the picture of Michael is when he’s a brown shade-nose job number 2 maybe (I’m not making jokes-just stating facts) He’s laying on his side, propped up on his elbow. I think he was wearing some jacket thing that was yellow and he had that sexy seductive look on his face. I used to think he was so pretty. I would make out with him-well kiss him close-mouthed all of the time on that record player.
I remember watching Thriller for the first time and being frightened and at the same time jealous of the girl who got to kiss Michael Jackson. I also was jealous of the crazy intense dance moved and wished that I could move the way that Michael could (Beat It is on now)
I try to think of Legends that we’ve lost in my life time. People of course think of Princess Diana but her death, while incredibly tragic, didn’t effect me like it did my mother, for instance. I didn’t know the Diana story really until after her death. When she got married I was a pretty young child, I was probably less interested in her wedding and more interested in listening to Michael Jackson on my record player.
Loses like Aaliyah and Lisa “Left-Eye” Lopez were also pretty tragic but it wasn’t like this. I can truly say that we’ve lost a legend.
…and then I think about my high school friend, Jamie, who gave birth to a new baby girl one day and started making arrangements for her funeral the next. It seems that the heart condition that took her life was un-detected during the pregnancy. I’ve been following her updates on Facebook and today she posted a picture of her daughter’s hands with hers and her husbands and I was flooded with emotions that brought tears to my eyes.
I’m not a religious person. Maybe I am. I pray but I don’t go to church. When I pray I’m not sure who I’m talking to. I’m questioning the Maker now, the Creator, the Great Mother…why would you choose to take the life of an innocent baby? Radical fans of MJ are asking the same question and Farrah fans and family members are asking the same question-why?
Death doesn’t scare me it mystifies me. What happens when we die? I believe in reincarnation. I don’t think that souls are satisfied with just one life, rather they continue on until they’ve accomplished all that they need to. Caroline Scuka is my friend’s daugther’s name. Maybe in her past she lived great full lives. Maybe she did amazing things and helped many people. Maybe she was a mother, a daughter, a lover or a fighter. Perhaps she was an ancient wise woman, a sage. Perhaps her last task on earth was to remind us not to take life for granted, not to take one another for granted, to remind us to live each day to the fullest.
I don’t know and I don’t have answers and nothing I say to this friend feels like the right thing-it doesn’t feel like enough. What do you say to a woman who gives birth one day and plans a funeral the next?
On top of all of this craziness and mess and loss that is today I find happiness, and that my life is full of reasons to be grateful, to be happy. I have my family; as messy as it is and as crazy as they can be, all of the things I disagree with-they are my family and I only have one family. I’m grateful for them.
I have this body, this body that I complain about, this body I take for granted and scold for changing shape, turning soft, taking advantage of and under appreciate. It works well, it does it’s job and I continue to treat this body like crap. I should be grateful for it.
My life. The fact that I breath air and wake up each morning next to a woman who cares about me in every way. The fact that I found her and she loves me as I love her. She accepts me for who I am and loves me despite my faults.
Today is our anniversary-One year ago today we officially started dating. I hope that years from now we’ll be blessed with a child who will grow, live, and thrive and that we’ll be able to love and cherish him or her for a long time. However long we get our child, though, I know that I’ll be grateful and see life’s little gifts along the way.