Oh What a Slippery Slope

Can you have a crush on a friend? If you snoop are you insecure or do you know deep down that something’s up and when did the text message become so hostile?

I ask these questions because they were recently asked of me by a friend when I told her about my new friend crush. It’s not a real crush in that I’m not interested in anything other than her friendship. It’s crush worthy, though, because she’s a cute girl and therefore fun to flirt with. She’s smart, she’s funny, she’s intelligent, conversations come natural and easy and I like hanging out with her. The friend part also comes into affect right around here. She’s my friend and that’s the end of the crush.

One of my work friends doesn’t believe it’s this simple.

Friend-“What’s up with that? You haven’t talked about your girl in a while.”
Me- “You can only talk about a sprained ankle for so long before people get tired of hearing about it.”
Friend-“I don’t know. You’re a Libra, Libras are hoes”

Wait a minute here. I am not a hoe. Is it a straight thing? Is it impossible for a straight girl to have a crush on a straight guy friend because they can’t keep it in their pants? I’m an affectionate girl and I appreciate the beauty in others. That doesn’t make me a girl who can’t keep it in her pants. For the record, I’ve never cheated on a partner in my whole life. That said, if I hadn’t met Mirs when I did I’m sure I would’ve gone through a Shane Phase. Reread that part where I say I like to flirt. As it were, I did meet Mirs and it was and is the best thing that’s happened in my adult life. She’s amazing and wonderful and I find her incredibly attractive and ridiculously sexy.

What does that mean though, to have a crush on someone when you’re in a relationship. What is a crush? When you’re in kindergarten it’s called puppy love so what is it called when you’re an adult? In my case, it’s an overwhelming feeling on so many different levels but the most important, the reason it is what it is, is because she’s a friend. A friend that I made for myself that has absolutely nothing to do with my girlfriend.

It’s refreshing to meet a friend who didn’t go to school with, date, knew someone who dated, etc. my girlfriend. It’s refreshing to have a friend who’s just mine. I’m pretty selfish about this friend, actually. I kind of want her all to myself. It’s tough to be in a relationship with someone and have the majority of your friends be linked to that person in some way, shape, or form. I mean, I have my own friends. They’re just straight or gay boys. I’ve said it before, it’s been the subject of many blogs-finding lesbian friends is a hard thing to do. Now I have one who’s all mine and I’m holding on to her pretty tightly. In a non-psycho obsessive way. I promise.

So there, I stand by my statement. I have a Friend Crush.

Snooping. I’m a snooper. I have no problem admitting it. I’ve looked through cell phones, read planners, and scanned facebook pages over the shoulders of others. I try really hard not to snoop but sometimes it just happens. The last time I snooped on Mirs was around Thanksgiving. Remember the Thanksgiving fiasco with The Ex? Yeah, I found out about that looking through a planner-quite innocently, actually. I was trying to figure out a date, opened the planner and saw she was coming for a visit. We won’t go back there, we all know how it went down. Nonetheless after that accidental snoop some purposeful snooping happened afterwards. I can say with confidence that that snooping was done out of insecurity.

My insecurity in my relationship has subsided with time. I no longer worry about The Ex because it’s a waste of my time and energy. Mostly it has to do with the fact that I trust my girlfriend. That doesn’t mean that when I use her computer and log onto Gmail to check my mail I’m not tempted to browse when she hasn’t signed off. It was very, very tempting but because I’m not worried about anything I didn’t look-there was no reason to do so.

It’s that other snooping that’s concerning. When you have that feeling that something’s not quite right in your relationship. Things look the same and for the most part they feel the same but there’s something that you can’t put your finger on. You could be imagining it. It could be a long work week. It could be nothing. You’re still wondering though. So when the opportunity presents itself in a Facebook page not signed off on, an open planner, or whatever the case may be and your snooping proves those feelings right what do you do?

I would confront them. It’s hard to swallow, god knows saying, “Hey Mirs I happened to notice in your planner that your ex is coming and you seem to have forgotten to mention it to me” was a tough conversation. She was pissed I snooped and I was pissed she lied. Again, no need to get into that it was months and months and months ago. It had to be said, though.

We snoop because we care. As fucked up as it sounds it’s true. The caring isn’t necessarily about the person you’re snooping on. In most cases, especially in the case of that feeling in your gut you’re caring about yourself, protecting yourself. In the end, that’s all that matters. The saying goes that ignorance is bliss but is it?


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