Trouble the Water

It’s still tough living in a 200 square foot studio. Tough is not the right word. It’s hard. Sometimes it feels like torture. We had another (another) discussion (talk, argument, processing session) last night. It started with questions, doubts, concerns, truths. In the middle some where there were tears, folded arms, cold looks, red, swollen eyes, and ended in a tangle of sheets, sweating skin, and breaths that came out in pants.

We decided that we haven’t had enough sex. Seriously, since moving in it sort of came to a screeching halt. Not enough sex + a wildly independent girl totally dependent on me + 200 square foot apartment = total fucking disaster.

We’ve started looking for bigger apartments. We’re browsing Craigslist looking for 2 bedrooms. Would a bigger apartment help? Is this the real solution or are there real, deeper problems that a larger space can’t fix?

It’s almost a year. June 25th will be our year anniversary. Last night I looked over at her and she looked back at me, our tears streaming down our faces, our emotions raw and open and we asked if we wanted to do this-could we do this-are we going to do this. yes, Yes, YES.

It’s amazing how much a little thing like space can test a relationship. It’s only been two months in this small space but it feels like years. It feels long, it’s tedious, it’s annoying. There’s no where to go-no place to escape frustrations, anger, hurt, whatever. I can’t flee to another room, I can’t really leave her for long periods of time with her injury. There’s no where to hide. My face and hers, too, show a complete and vivid picture of what’s going on in our minds. I can see when she’s feeling something. She can see when I’m feeling something. It’s forced us to confront all of those feelings, those emotions, those somethings head on and deal with them right then and there.

It’s been tiring, but it’s worth it. In the end, she wants to be with me and I want to be with her. These two months have been like a mountain we’ve had to climb together. We’re almost to the top. I can’t even begin to think about what it’s going to be like to try to find an apartment together and decorate that apartment together. We have completely opposite tastes in decor. For me, though, how to decorate an apartment is a small thing-getting to the point where we’re doing the arguing over wall paper or furniture or appliances? I just want to get there.

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