They say that life is what happens when you’re not paying attention. Is that the phrase? I’m not quite sure. Sometimes I wish I had a book of quotable phrases that I could reference in times like these. On the other hand, it’s nice not having a book of quotes. Without the book you can take pieces of famous phrases that you like while discarding others.
I’m out back with Mirs. I’m sitting under the shaded part of our shared back yard space and she’s got her hands in the dirt. We’ve been having some issues with our Yellow Plum heirloom tomato plants. After much online research and communication with gardening centers in the area and some investigating on our part we’ve discovered that we’re over watering them and that there’s a lack of proper drainage. They’re looking good though, overall, and the rest of our Urban Garden is looking promising.
Our Greens are thriving the most successfully. We recently discovered, on a trip to the Union Square Farmer’s Market, that we’re the proud mommies to some Russian White Kale. We’d initially purchased a small flat just marked Mescullin Mix. We’ve discovered all sorts of surprises with this flat, the Kale being one of them. The Broccoli we planted is also thriving, we’ve just got the greens at this point-no florets just yet. Our Red Bib Lettuce is also thriving quite well and our Arugula once small little leaves are now nice, big, peppery tasty things.
Our Herb garden is also thriving quite nicely. We may have over planted in our tiny found planter-the oregano is definitely taking over the space and may need to be re-potted to let the Sage, Chives, and Thyme grow.
Mirs just came back out, she’s got her big knife strapped to her side to help make holes in a 5 gallon bucket we found on the street. She was wearing a cute button down top but it’s hot out today. She’s changed into a cut off black shirt, I can see her arm tattoo that she hates. Her face is bright red from the work she’s doing and the sun on her face but she refuses to let me sun screen her.
I look at her and I’m filled with so much emotion I’m not sure which to process first. It’s been a really hard last few months. We’ve argued and fought more in the past two months than we have in the entire 11 months of our relationship. It’s a lot of things-big things, small things all in one. It’s a lot about us, too. Who we are as people, who we’ve become in our relationship.
This morning over coffee I made a confession. I’m feeling uneasy and insecure in our relationship-in how it’s changed us as individuals. I’m not sure if it’s a Libra trait or an Erika trait but I have the tendency to be a really good listener. Friends, Family, Co-Workers, and Partners are constantly dumping on me. Problems with their jobs, their lives, their partners, their anything and I listen to them and give them advice.
It’s like a curse, really because a lot of what I take in from people is their negative energy. I drain it from them, bring it into me and in the end they walk away from me feeling relief and I walk away feeling heavy. There’s a transfer in Energy that happens when I do this, I take away all of their negative energy and it becomes a part of me.
It’s been an issue with me in past relationships that I do this. I take everything and give everything without remembering what I need from myself. In my last heterosexual relationship I did this. I spent three years single figuring out a lot of things about myself. I figured out that I was unhappy for a lot of reasons. Mostly I was unhappy because I wasn’t being true to myself.
Those three years were extremely dark years. I was depressed, I gained a lot of weight, I lost a lot of weight, my disordered eating reared its ugly head, I imagined jumping in front of the A Train too many times to admit. It was really bad.
I emerged from this dark depression with a lot of realization-I didn’t have friends; I had acquaintances. Friends would’ve helped me during this time, Friends would have cared, friends would have let me dump on them for once. I realised that I was stronger than I made myself out to be. I made a promise to myself to stop apologizing when I didn’t mean it. I promised myself to think about me before thinking about anyone else.
Easier said than Done. It’s Hard to Teach an Old Dog New Tricks…those phrases again…
In my relationship there is a lot of stress. We’ve learned this about my Mirs. She’s a stress case neurotic extremely smart, caring, and wonderful individual. She’s a stress case for completely valid reasons. Getting into a phD program is extremely stressful, I don’t pretend to know the amount of stress she’s under.
TO BE CONTINUED…