I didn’t think that the problem with Mirs ex would continue to follow us around, but unfortunately it has. We’re fine, I’m feeling good about the events of the week but still need to blow off some steam; to let it all out. There are a lot of opinions out there and lots of angry friends on my side. It sucks because I love Mirs and I know she loves me. This morning, though, I told her that I would no longer tolerate the presence of this other person in our relationship.
Back story about the Ex.
She and Mirs dated for a long, long time. According to Mirs she was never “in love” with her, but dependent on her. They both worked in social work, and had a lot of common ground regarding the stresses at work, friends, etc. Mirs and she fought all of the time. Mirs was, in her own words, a very bad girlfriend. She was emotionally distant, not affectionate, and really absent in the relationship. For some reason, the Ex continued with the relationship even though she was getting emotionally kicked around like a stray dog.
They broke up almost two years ago.
This is where it gets sticky…When Mirs moved to NYC over a year ago, she called the Ex to lament her sadness, loneliness, and hardships that is moving to New York alone. I’ve been there, it sucks. The Ex was again, useful to Mirs. In my opinion, she felt that the love would get rekindled. She was Mirs’ support system from across the continent. Then Mirs got over her hatred of New York, reconnected with her friends, and started enjoying her life. The Ex did not. The Ex was in The Hippie City, Portland, OR lamenting her loses and her sadness and of course, Mirs wasn’t super there for her.
This dependence of the Ex on Mirs has basically continued, even through our relationship.
Around November I told Mirs that it was unhealthy and completely unfair to me that she was wasting her time and energy on this person and this person’s feelings when she should be concentrating her time and energy on me and our relationship. I told her that I was certain that the Ex was still in love with Mirs and that Mirs consistent enabling of the relationship only made the situation worse.
So If you’ve been following my blog, you’d know that I found out that the Ex was coming for a visit to New York for a week around New Years. I asked Mirs at that time if the Ex was coming to see her. Her answer, the answer the Ex gave, was that she was coming to see all of her friends in New York. So she comes and Mirs and their other mutual friend who lives in New York went to pick her up at JFK. They went out for drinks and dinner and then Mirs came to my house. I was a little annoyed because I asked if I could come meet them out later and Mirs told me that it would be “uncomfortable” and probably not the best idea. I took out my frustration at her dismissal at the gym. That night, we had a long talk about how I felt that she was trying to protect her Ex when she should be protecting me. We talked for almost an hour and the air was cleared.
Fast forward to New Year’s Day. Mirs and I were invited to our friend’s house for a New Years Day Dinner. The night before, in the cab home, Mirs told me that the Ex would be at dinner the next day. The Ex is friends with ALL of Mirs friends here in NYC, which makes everything a little stressful. That night in the cab, I told Mirs that if it was important for her to see her friend then she should go and that I didn’t want to go.
The next morning, though, we woke up super lovey dovey and were talking about spending the day in bed. I thought that we were both declining our mutual invite to dinner. We set out for brunch and then to head back home to get some cleaning done and to watch movies. As we were walking down the street I could tell that something was bothering Mirs. She’s not so good at hiding her feelings. I asked her about it and sure enough-she wanted to go to our friend’s for dinner. I blew up on the street, turned on my heels and marched myself to her house and packed up my things to go home. I yelled at her and made her cry and walked out.
By the time I got 4 stops away from her on the subway I came to my senses and we talked, I came back, we made late breakfast and headed over to our friend’s house. So we’re at the friends, having a good time helping make dinner and the Ex comes over. I was prepared, I was ready to be sweet, nice, and charming-which I was.
The dinner party guests included a bunch of couples-5 including Mirs and I. Get a bunch of lesbian couples in a room and there’s bound to be a bunch of affection showed. Hand holding, caresses under the table, stealing kisses-it’s how Mirs and I roll-all of the time. We’re the “youngest” couple in our group of friends. We’re often teased by everyone else because we’re always sneaking into other rooms to make out. Last night was no different. Half way through dinner-well after dinner, Mirs and I went into the living room to talk. She said that she could tell that the Ex was getting upset about our affection. I told her that I was getting upset because she was pulling away from me. Bullshit, right? I mean, we’re never not the annoying lovey dovey couple and now, all of a sudden, to protect this girl’s feelings she’s pulling away from me? I told her this. I also told her that it was what she needed to see in order for her to realize that she and Mirs were over…two years over, for fuck’s sake!
Anyway, the Ex left before dessert and the night continued like normal-we all had an amazing time. This morning, the Ex called. She had the nerve to try to assess Mirs relationship with me, telling her that she could tell that she wasn’t emotionally available for me, just as she wasn’t emotionally available for her…I was fuming in the room and clearly agitated. When she hung up the phone I put my foot down.
This person, this Ex, who’s supposed to be her friend, should not be getting angry or made upset because Mirs has a new girlfriend. How is that being a good friend? How is it fair to Mirs to make her feel guilty about being in a new, stable, and happy relationship? I told Mirs that she need to stop all communication with the Ex to give her time to truly get over Mirs. I told her that it was plainly evident that she wasn’t over her. It was clear that her expectations of the week in New York were to be with Mirs and to have an experience with Mirs that she had years ago.
The problem is is that the Ex is still in love with Mirs. She never got over her, and because of Mirs sweet nice, and seemingly innocent ways to be supportive to her and to be there for her, has only prevented her from truly getting over her. I told Mirs it has to be a quick and clear cut in communication, and on Mirs terms. The Ex told Mirs she didn’t want to talk to her and Mirs consented, which is complete bullshit, as well.
My roommates and mother are, of course, furious with Mirs. I can’t say that I don’t agree with them. I’ve spent the majority of the week being very angry with Mirs as well. It feels unnatural and its upsetting to be angry with Mirs. I know she’s not doing what she’s doing in spite of me, she’s just too fucking nice. And way to concerned with protecting the feelings of other people. Mirs has many friends who are exes, but only one Ex that has failed to let go. I even offered writing the “break off” letter for Mirs-she’s terrible on the phone. She didn’t think it was a good idea, but I wrote it and saved it to her computer anyway.