love sick fool..or something

what is it about being a girl that makes you obsess? why isn’t there the ability to just go with the flow, in terms of liking, loving, etc.? i realize that not all women obsess and that using such a blanketed term can be a little tricky. there are always those women who are like “men” who never obsess over relationship things-like the shane character on L-Word. god what i would give for shane to fuck and leave me! it can be true that not all men are players and actually have feelings and insecurities when it comes to their relationships. so, not to offend everyone i suppose it’s best that i just talk about myself-my feelings, my latest obsessions.

i’ve always been an obsesser-which is so attractive, i know. i try really hard to not over-think things and i’m sure to the outside i look calm, cool, and collected when inside i’m actually bursting and trying to resist the temptation to obsess. luckily, i’m not one of those people who talk and talk to their friends about their obsessions until in an actual relationship. some how it feels a bit more understandable to be in an actual relationship and to pick apart little details with friends to better navigate the ups, downs, and in betweens of relationships. when you’re just in the dating stages, or in my case the exchanging e-mails stages, it can seem a little neurotic and slightly, dare i say, prematurely obsessive to think and over think e-mail exchanges.

i’m not completely old to the online dating thing-i had that one month on match that was awful-awful enough to almost put me off of online dating ever again. but as a newly out lesbian/bi sexual/whatever it seemed like the easiest route to go until i’m ready to jump into the deep end and start picking up the ladies at bars. so far it’s been pretty ok. i mean, S and i didn’t pan out in a relationship, but i think i’ve made a good friend out of that interaction and i can always take another friend. nyc isn’t exactly the place to make a ton of friends and having a small group of lesbian friends would be great. i can’t imagine trying to convince my new roommates to go to girl bars every weekend.

i’m now exchanging e-mails with two lovely ladies which has me feeling a little stressed in of itself. i’ve never been a juggler. if i’m involved with someone-on whatever level-i tend to stay with one person. i’ve started to realize that that sort of investment can be a little limiting. i mean, if i’m concentrating all my time on one person-and we’re not involved exclusively, i may miss another, right? i dunno, it’s new for me so i’m not sure how it works. if we’re just exchanging e-mails and no actual date has been on it’s okay, right?

which brings me to my next obsession-after how many e-mails is it okay to ask a lady on a date? two? three? i mean, you want to be at a place where you’re comfortable chatting, but you don’t want it to get so involved on the internet that when you meet face to face that you’ve run out of basic first date questions. ideally, though, the first date would be like sitting down with an old and long lost friend (granted a friend you want to make out with) you’d talk the night away until the tables around you have cleared and you still seem to have endless things to chat about. and then afterwards you wander around the city, maybe hand in hand, and then randomly, mid sentence, she leans over and kisses you-and it’s the most amazing kiss ever. one of those kisses where you’re knees go weak and your loins ache. again, that’s me watching too many movies and too many sitcoms-but it doesn’t hurt to dream, does it?

i’m having a great time e-mailing with another S who’s very captivating via e-mail so today i bit the bullet and asked if she had plans for the weekend, suggesting that we go to brunch or something on sunday. she has my real e-mail address as well so every time the red flashing light of my black berry alerts me that i have a new message i get a little butterfly-y hoping that it’s her response. which is good, right? and the fact that i’m disappointed that it’s not her is a good sign that i’m interested but a bit unnerving that i’m so clearly already about it.

the second lady that i’m e-mailing with, M, is also quite the beautiful woman and we’ve exchanged one e-mail-except my nerve account is telling me she e-mailed me today and i can’t see it! so i keep logging on and off of nerve hoping to see that new message sign at the top because while S is darling, sweet, and coy, M’s picture (only one) is mysterious and her profile is brief and full of un-answered questions that keep me wanting to know what else is going to happen.

i’m clearly captivated by both of them and even writing this is making me all tingly and excited. which clearly cinches it, i’m definitely a lesbian! haha! i’m trying to take deep breaths and to relax. easy breezy…

at work we’re working on updating our displays which means that coordinators from around the city are in helping out-there is this really, really cute blonde girl with a pixie cut and cute roots who i can’t stop looking at…and another girl, also blond, who’s always in my building, who gave me a hug yesterday and i almost melted-but i’m pretty sure they’re both straight…as most of my at work crushes are *sigh* And i’m not even a blonde girl type of girl!

anyway, i’m resisting the urge to log back onto nerve tonight to check to see if M has really sent me a message and going to silence my black berry so that i can actually fall asleep…

it makes me wonder though, i’m clearly a girl and girls are always intense in relationships. i’m going to have to work really hard at controlling the urge to obsess OR be really open about my tendency to obsess on date three and hope for the best! OR become really good friends with my first S and hope that she’s the understanding type and will listen to my obsessions over wine or beer so that i don’t drive women crazy with my neurotic brain!

…as i log onto nerve-just in case.

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